this is an all in one kinda thing

我很抱歉 =|

I haven’t written in a dumb ass long time… I have a feeling this bloggy is gonna be a lil schitzo… a lil sassy… a lil bitter… a lil funny… but a lotta flavor… don’t get caught up though… I’m perfectly fine, happy n content… REAL talk… these just some things I needa express…

This country is giving me a complex… seriously…

Dark vs. Light

I’m too dark… but have no fear, there are PLENTY of bleaching creams out there… and if I can’t physically get lighter, make up is the solution! Becaaaaaaaaaaaaaause THERE ARE NO DARK COMPLEXION beauty products here… even the international bands like L'ORÉAL, Maybelline and BENEFIT don’t import the darker shades of foundation. I tried to get BENEFIT’s You Rebel in its regular shade but I couldn’t because it because it’s too dark, WTF?! it’s the REGULAR shade… here they only have the You Rebel Lite … (I bet all the guys are like wuhhhhhhhhhhh?! hahahaha sorry about the make up talk)


le sigh… well after being here for 9 months (HOLY TIME BATMAN HAVE I REALLY BEEN HERE FOR 9 MONTHS, yes, yes I have…amazing aint it?!) it looks like I’m lightening up anyway… I’m so pale I think people might actually start to believe me when I say I’m half white hahahaha even my dad demoted me from my lifelong shade of paper sack tan to Casper white. SMH yall…

In the Land of Stick Figures

No doubt that the best places to shop in Taiwan are the night markets... shopping there is soooooo cheap... to bad everything is "ONE SIZE" or as they like to call it “FREE SIZE” so a person with love handles, spare tires, curves, hips, n boobs are all shit outta luck.

First of all… people do not come in one size… ONE SIZE DOES NOT FIT ALL PEOPLE…

Secondly… FREE size does not make me feel free…

I guess I’m kinda lucky that the girls here like the wear things loose cuz I wear my shit fitted. So when I wear their “baggy” styles it actually look not so bad on me ahahah…

I’m tired of folks saying “ Oh, Alicia if only you were skinny, you’d be so beautiful… blah blah blah…”

If you’ve read the “The FAT Girl” post then you already know I done got called fat by some Captain Douche, ohhhhhhhhhh I can’t even tell you how heated I was… and faster than lightening I went Oakland on him… yall don’t even know... I’ve never even been in a fight back home but I was really gonna knock this dude out…

Perrrrrrrrrhaps I wouldn’t be so butt hurt if I didn't just lost some weight… 

(wellllllllllllll if you start count from my heaviest weight… I’ve lost a total of +25lbs give or take…)

So back to the night markets… I try n buy something there and the shop girls very frankly tell me that they don’t have anything in my size, dismiss me and move on to the next customer. If you ever want want a blow to the ego... 

I’m left having to shop in actual stores where they have real sizes (and yes the quality is a bit better) but the prices are 3 times what I’d pay in a night market.

Listen up folks... 
I KNOW I'm not fat... 
I KNOW I'm not ugly... 
these things that people people say... 
yes they're hurtful... 
but I'm ok, really.
I know not everyone will find me
cute or beautiful or desirable
and
they have the right to say whatever they like... 
it just hurts to actually hear it for yourself. 
Trust me though... 
just cuz I got my feelings hurt it does not mean 
I believe what they say... 
what I do believe in is my self worth... 
and baby... 
I'm priceless.

Out and about, nights out on the town… yeah, not really…

Don’t be fooled by the pictures yalll…. It’s not all it’s cracked up to be… I might be going out but it’s pretty much outta desperation… the only time I do go out is to accompany my friend to what's become our 'usual' place...  and the reason we go back weekend... after weekend after weekend after weekend.... is..... fuhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh I can’t really reveal my friends secret… but anyways let’s just say we go out to chill…. That’s all I can say.

I know whatchu thinkin… “Alicia, outta desperation? Is it really that bad?” and my reply? “Naw… you know me even if I’m chillin I’m still having a good time.” I mean would I rather be out there gettin down with the get down out on the dance floor hellllll to the YEAH but what am I suppose to do? My girl don’t dance so where am I? sittin next to her, posted, chillin…

Friends… yup still don’t have any…

At least not like the ones I have back home… Yeah, yeah I know that sounds hella mean… but come on really… my ride or die chicks are still back in Cali where I left em… and I can’t seem to find none here.

I know if my Taiwan girls read this it might start some shit but… idk… whatevs…

My friend (and yeah that’s singular) here… she don’t like to go out… introvert to the max… the only thing we have in common is our love of food… yall laugh but its true.

Funny that she's the biggest introvert I know but she's the one I've been going out with. Like I just said I go out with her because I’m desperate to get outta the house… but as I said I cannot reveal the real reason as to why we go out and why it is always to that particular bar/club.


Here's the effed up part of it all... every time I ask her to go out… it’s pretty much always no…

And I can’t fault her, forreal cuz thas just who she is. I know that, I know who she is, I know how she is... so I can’t really be mad… I can’t… 


I know the answer is no because the places I want to go require traveling and blah blah blah blah.... so I guess I can be mad at the situatiooonn but definitely not mad at her.

There is this other girl here whose mad cool but she’s here on scholarship and is constantly restricted by her budget… and we all know life costs money. So I can’t very well fault her either…

Last quarter is this quarter, say what?!

That’s right lady n germs, even though I passed my achievement test I decided to retake the quarter. I actually have my teacher from first quarter. She knows what the situation is and has definitely been helping me focus on my speaking… its coming a long… kinda.

The stress level is WAY down… I find myself sleeping better… it’s just a matter of getting on regular, normal hour sleeping schedule. My new class is back to the 12-2 time slot… although the time slot is the worst possible if I want to try and see my family for lunch but its been working out with trying to readjust my sleepies.

ME NO SPEAKEY ANY CHINESEY…

9 months in and I’m still not speaking Chinese…it’s my fault I know this…

I haven’t made any Taiwanese friends…

all my friends still only speak in English…

watching Taiwan dramas is fun and addicting but it only helps with listening and understanding…

but as I’ve said before… what kind of Alicia would I be if I was mute…

I feel so limited by my vocabulary I can’t help but to always switch back into English…




one more thing...


i feel like im the only one trying... 


ok so i dont post every day but i eventually get to it... and these posts are open and honest and not at all easy to write... and i get a couple FB posts? a 'hey how ya doin?'... how about an email?


seems like i'm the only one calling... and 1 time out of 20 will someone actually pick up... how about actually getting SKYPE like you said you would...


people said they'd come see me but i know no one will... this i can forgive... errrbody be broke nowadays but i can still dream...


and in the end... come this fall (date still undecided) the fact of the matter is it will still be me who comes to you.


I'm tired, and maybe I should just stop looking back towards home...
Maybe I should focus on the here. But I doubt it'd matter... the people I spent most of my time with (family excluded) don't even bother with me... outta sight outta mind
One of my favorite people in the whole wide world stopped talking to me way back in Sept/Oct-ish... she refuses to respond on FB, I've sent messages, called and left a couple messages and texts and it hurts my heart... but i can only be on this end for so long... i gave up


I can't make people miss me...
even if they miss me 
I can't make them talk to me...
even if they talk to me
I can't make them say something more than Hey, Hi, Hello, How ya doin?


I knew this could happen, I was afraid this would happen...  but it was my choice to come here so I accept this. When I do decide to come home, I've decided not post the dates here. When I come home I will spend my time with my family and my soon to be born nephew (he's due in about 6 weeks, and no not my real nephew, my best friend slash college room mates'). My time is for those who've made time for me.