CARE PACKAGE, SAY WHAT?! from Gracie Poo n Melly Mel

I hugged it ALLLLLLLL the way home from the post office...

yeah, my arms kinda hurt now

as you can see I gots the DEATH grip on it

i ♥ US ~ 

aw~ yes we are!

I wish you'd bring a little bit of YOU to me. 

Reese's... yeah damn near bit through the bag tryin to get to em... 

forreal and not forfake

...cock sauce...

PURPLE FEBREEZE is the BIZnisssss

how do you think I get them to look like that

STRIPEs n PEACE

I L♥VE MY CARE PACKAGE SENDERS

forever and ever and ever and ever for like the rest of infinity.

i ♥ us

true fuckin story

ok world here I am..

I know it been a very very long time and as you prolly know (if you read the last mini blurp of a pity blog) that my Christmas was obviously not the best on record.

This whole holiday season seemed to happily pull the rug out from underneath my feet, throwing me for one hell of an emotional loop, only THEN to give me a ninja kick midair straight to the gut only to land me square on my ass. yup kinda went. yup exactly like that. 

The most obvious reason my heart was inch by inch a Grinch is that I'm here and my family is alllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll the way over across that big ol' blue pond. 

I know I say this every time I talk about my 台灣 family (but it's only because it has remained true) my family here seems to have an unlimited amount of  kindness, open heartedness, and generosity that I'm surprised I'm still surprised by it. The plain ol' truth is that Christmas is just not their thing, that's all.

The only people who seem to celebrate Christmas seems to be any and all shopping malls. BLEH, UGH, and FUHHHHHHHH IT MAKES ME SICK . Every time I saw all those fakey empty Christmas presents I just wanted to knock em all down, kick em and then for good measure stomp em flat. I wanted to take a knife to all those inflatable Santa's and Frosty's. Tip over the fake cone Christmas trees decorated with Tiffany's boxes instead of cherished family ornaments. Snatch off the mandatory ugly felt Santa hats the staff of shopping malls had to wear instead of fluffy personalized hats with bells hidden in the little white ball in the tip cause that's what Christmas really is (okay okay I know I know, the States aren't known for their lack of commercialism during the holidays but at least Christmas means MORE than just THAT back home).

Christmas is getting the house ready after Thanksgiving,

it’s about making our ancient plastic tree look like a tree that’s not about to fall to pieces (seriously if it was real it'd probably have fossilized, it's THAT old),

it’s shopping for gifts for Cristina's girls,

it's bearing through horribly sung carols so that you can FINALLY get to unwrapping the gifts,

it's fighting with my sister over the marshmallows on top of the baked yams,

it's about wearing my candy cane stripped knee high socks to work with my Christmas light bulb earrings that actually light up,

it's about being a 20something and still getting gifts from Santa knowing good n well that Santa's workshop also happens to be my parents bedroom.
it's chasing down my Cousin Jason for a hug even though he thinks I have the cooties,

it's about all of that,

it's about family and being with them and it just didn't happen this year. 

Chirstmas '09- upgraded my earrings to mini TopHat
on the way to work ;)

and ultimately whose fault is that?!?!? mine of course. I chose to leave home I knew I wouldn't be able to go home for the holidays but I left anyway. 

I just didn't know how fuckin hard it would be. 

Maybe it’s not just the holidays I think it’s just for the first time ever I'm homesick. Yes, I done gone and said it… I’M HOMESICK… bleh and lemme tell you sir..,. its is NOT fun and it does NOT feel good.

Honestly I miss home so much it hurts. I can spend a good chunk of my day in bed crying, missing my dad, missing Mexican food, missing working at Sushi House , even missing something stupid like those little basil leaves I get in my TapEx crispy chicken (side order to my Jasmine Milk Tea... shouts to my girl Ducky holdin TapEx down)

That's the other thing. Not only am I missing home but I'm missing out on SO much I'm even envious of the walls that get to watch the lives of the people I love. 

My sister is doin well (hopefully) living on her own for the first time. 

Graciepoo decided to go back to school in Vegas no less… when I get home… I’m SO visiting you. 

Melly Mel got a promotion... yay for health benefits and steady hours. 

My bestest is 4-5 ish months preggers and I'd give anything to go to just one appointment; I'd even give one of my kidneys to be there for the birth of my lil nephew/niece. 

and there's of course my parents... Mom is busy as usual and I know my Dads trying not to miss me as much as I miss him. I'm hoping he gets his shit together and starts to go back to the doctors... I think he's just scared they'll find something else wrong with him...

I hope you're reading this Daddy, I don't care who I have to call if you DON'T start taking care of your health… I'll track down who I have to and get your fishing license revoked, you hear me MISTER?!?!

it's hard to take care of him when I'm not there to kick his butt into gear ya know?!... 

well I'm sure you know by now as part of my one year residency I CANNOT leave Taiwan (台灣) so why is it my Dad can't come to see me?

Dudes got vein issues and a history of clots, 13 hours of cabin pressure could very well likely kill him, ok so we don't know if it'll kill him BUT it would do irreparable damage to him and it's just NOT worth it. 

Ok so that’s it for the holidays…

Onto other shiiiizzzz

I streaked the front part of my hair Purple and Blue… but its currently fading so it looks kinda periwinkle-ish.

I discovered Oolong Tea Crème Brûlée is the biznisssss.

I’m a proud member of the Taiwan National Health system… it only cost me $5 USD to see a doctor  AND get meds for my sickies.

The establishment of Taiwan is going to mark its 100^th year this New Years.

I’m debating about whether or not I like my Chinese class.

I think I REALLY need a job…

I think I REALLY need to make some friends…

I’m considering getting back into dance.

and...

I think that’s enough for today.

some Christmas this is

I can't believe I'm spending my Christmas Eve crying.

I miss home so much it hurts.

I know I've failed at keeping up with the blog... but according to the numbers no ones reading anyway.

Maybe I'll be able to write when my eyes aren't bleary or swollen.

Letsee on a more serious note (Part II)

Identity Crisis- losing my voice, becoming Taiwanese and trying to hold onto myself… and a couple other things

Word

When I spent the weekend at my uncles and while my mom was visiting I realized how very little Chinese I actually speak. I’m definitely not where I thought I’d be or where I should be. (ok ok, I know I’ve only been studying for 3 months but why wouldn’t I have high expectations for myself… I mean I have them for everyone else… so why not me?) Other Level 1 classes at MTC are already speaking in Chinese… most of my classmates still speak mostly English in class… but my inability to speak is not their fault.

What it is… at least what I think... I’m trying to hold onto my voice. The difference in my voice when I speak Chinese is dramatically different from my normal loud voice. I don’t like it at all… I feel like I’m not me. I feel like it's not me. 


It’s like this yall, when I “think” in Chinese it’s a unfamiliar voice thinking inside my head and when I speak it’s an unfamiliar sound coming out of my mouth. Frankly, it’s quite disturbing.

My tones have to be controlled and the length of each word has to be controlled… (Makes me think of Mel… how she would start singing whatever it was she was saying… yeah… there’s none of that because of the tone issue… I think it’d drive her nuts) If you’ve ever had a conversation with me then you know I like to play around with my words, make words up, say things with the wrong emphasis…. Yeah… you seriously can’t do that here… lemme tell YOU…

If you say it wrong… instead of saying fried chicken… you could just end up saying vagina… no effin joke.

Ji pai (1^st tone, 3^rd tone) is fried chicken, Ji pai (1^st tone, 1^st tone) is vagina…real talk

As for me not speaking as much Chinese as I want to be… I think it really has a lot to do with my thinking I don’t sound like “myself”… it’s not that I’m one of those people who loves the sound of my own voice… but when you start to sound unlike yourself you really notice how much you really do like the actual sound of your voice... the way you speak, the cadence and on n on n on...

Becoming Taiwanese and then not,

Like I said in the last post… I’m definitely picking up some of the mannerisms and I mean I kinda was on my way to bowing at everything back at Sushi House… blame the Koreans man…

And I’m not trying to sound racist but I know that’s how it’ll come out but there are certain things I cannot get over… and simply refuse to do or think its appropriate/acceptable

Picking your nose in public (then usually turning right around to use the same finger to pick your teeth… what the yuck!)

Digging in your ear

Chewing with your mouth open

(the burping and farting I can deal with)

DRAGGING YOUR FEET… goshness that one REALLLLLY gets me

Bumping into people without saying excuse me

Staring

Not using deodorant

I know these are cultural differences and I guess that pretty much makes my distaste for these habits racist… but I can’t help it… and I do feel bad at the same time. Cause I completely understand that to them (and I hope no one gets offended that I say them cuz I really don’t mean it like that) its normal and they think nothing of it and so they don’t notice…

Which makes me wonder if they would notice if let’s say they were in the States visiting or whatever.

Does that make me somewhat of an elitist? I just don’t know. To me its just lack of good manners… ohhh that sounded really harsh ugghhh I hate myself right now. (feelin conflicted… can you tell?)

im just wondering… and feeling about crappy about wondering and borderline hating these ‘habits.’

朋 友 (Friends)

I'm still having issues with making friends here.  We’re already coming to the end of our first quarter and most of the people I hang out with will be gone in 6 months.

it makes me sad. seriously. the problem is that my social world is my school so that means that EVERYone there will eventually leave. idk I'm being stooopid

I’ve never failed at making friends ever… but I’ve never not made friends and I think its slightly killing me.

I think I fooled myself into believing that coming here would solve all my problems. 


Maybe problems isn't the right word... i think what I expected was for all the answers to just come to me once I stepped off that plane...  answers to what questions you might ask? Well I think the only one that’s mattered to me… and I think to everyone really…

what should I do with my life???...

I know my cousin Cyndy has reminded me that I don't have to figure it out right now. but I see my mom who realized pretty late in life what she wanted to do so she won't retire for a while and how is anyone suppose to enjoy their retirement if your all old n rickety?!?!

I think I'll hold out and just win the lottery...

and the other thing... (and possibly the most funny and most depressing…)

being single in Taiwanderland

oh boy... like being fat was my only issue when it comes to attracting guys…
and before I get a smart ass remark about being fat... compared to everyone here I might as well be the Michelin Mans twin sister.... just call me Mihcelina




and this is even after losing 10 or so lbs hrmmph
theres also the fact that TW boys just seemed scared to approach girls….once they've got a girl... its like they turn to mush... PDA overload... realtalk

anyone who said I came here to find the love of my life is dead wrong hahaha

everytime I think about being single here it makes me think of my cousin Cristina, who predicted I'd find the love of my life, get married and never come home...I just might have to disappoint her. 

personally I've never been really attracted to Asian guys. and when I say Asian I mean like Asian Asian (we all know Asian folks back home be kinda hood so they dont reaallllly count hahahahahah) please don't be offended... I've never told you who you should like...

and after being here for a while I cant even imagine myself with a TW boy. (SO THIS DOESN’T APPLY TO EVERY GUY… I KNOW THAT…) I know it sounds kinda harsh and ummmmm so is this.... a lot of them look like girls with the dyed permed hair, skinny jeans n colored contacts… not to mention that most of them are SO skinny one of their thighs is probably the size of my neck! It’s seriously giving me a complex, seriously. Even my teacher said to stay away from them 他 說 (she said/ she told) straight up a good 80% of them cheat and that's my biggest no-no. 

well what about the other foreigners n expats??? well it's seems that they are all looking for a nice quiet TW girl to be with... and before I get a smart ass remark about how I'm Taiwanese you know wtf I mean. A TW girl that's petite (which I'm not), quiet (HA you MUST be jokin right?!), passive (foo say what?!), and mostly they all seem to want a girl who'll make them their world (um, yeah, no thanks, no offense but I'm the star of this show my life).

I mean as much as I'm learning how Taiwanese folks are and I do find myself acquiring the mannerisms n whatnot here's the thing; I can’t change the way I look... not that I'd want to look like every other girl here... and despite my body issues I admittedly like the way I look… so to put it plainly I'm just not ever going to be that Taiwanese sorry. 

I guess my issue is that I’m more Taiwanese than I seem but just not Taiwanese enough…

I see the guys n girls at my school and a good chunk of them are only lookin to hook up with someone for the year or two (or just for a night) while they're here and then cut out. How am I supposed to work with that?!?!  


I'm a keeper NOT your Saturday night.  

I so I'll just do what I always do and wait till someone comes along... sad and pathetic I know. no need to tell me…

CARE PACKAGE, SAY WHAT?!

hell to the yeah, yall!

my sisters are the BEST... so my moms here in Taiwan visiting me and getting some of her biz handled... well my wonderful awesomest sisters sent along a couple care packages with my moms.

Peppermint Ghiradheli Squares

Jiffy Corn Bread mix

Abuelita Hot Chocolate mix!!!!!!

Chili sauceness

Hershey's Mint Truffle Kisses

DOUBLE BUBBLE!!!

Mint Milano Peperidge Farm cookies

YOOHOO!!!

canned ortega chillies

n Cap N' Crunch cereal!!!

yeeee.... that was the big box

n 

can of Pork n Beans =P

my fave salad dressing Creamy Poppyseed

Peppermint Mocha Coffeemate yummo

Sweet Baby Rays BBQ Sauce yummo

Kraft Mac N Cheese

(ya know its gotta be the BLUE BOX)

Fun Dip!!!

PETER PAN PEANUT BUTTTTER

and a box of PopCorn 

(sorry ladies, I might have to send it back with Moms, aint got no microwave -_-")

YEAH TRY NOT TO BE JEALS... 

if you come anywhere near my Peanut Butter or Cap N' Crunch 

ya know what...just stay away from my box altogether... otherwise I just might hafta cut you.

not only that but Rita sent along a card and this was the P.S.

almost brought a tear to my eye

 shes cute huh?!

well my mom is only here for 10 days... and I believe I will also be moving toward the end of her stay... so please hold off on mailing me anything for the next week or so... (not that I've received any mail from the states from nonfamilia... but snail mails going to be extinct soon enough anyway right?)

I promise to give you Part II and I will also give you an entry about my big test, my moms stay and all the other shiz in between ;)

as always, thanks for reading... ♥

i really hate...

coming home and the whole house reeks of cigarette smoke... how come no one told me my housie was a smoker... bleh.... ya know how hard it is to air out a room that has no direct ventilation?!


heh... just realized... i dont think i've seen a single bottle of Febreeze in TW... maybe i need to make a trip out to Carrefour (its like our version of Walmart slash Target slash Sears)








i swear im working on part 2 and even a vloggy... its just hard since part 2 is bout feelings and shiiizzzz i wanna be right with my words... ya kno?




seriously bout to KO... hella tired. I ran for the first time in like 5 months and i could barely make a mile... my legs felt limp like over cooked noodles and i think my right ankle came loose hahahahah


and to top it off.. a short hour later my cousin asked me out to dinner and they took me to Pizza Hut... buffet style... wow.... yall have no idea... im hella mad that i left my camera at home... they had SOBA noodles as part of their salad bar, sliced guava for the fruit section, green tea jello topped with condensed milk and red beans as their dessert, for soup they had corn chowder (hella popular here) and vegetable (but you know asian veggies) they also had grilled chicken and speghetti... and the PIZZA! lemme tell YOU

HAWAIIAN 

(and thats the only "normal" type they had)

BULGOGI (Korean BBQ) and KIMCHI

SEAFOOD

(shredded imitation crab, baby shrimp, squid, peas, and corn)

ROASTED CHICKEN, MUSHROOMS, & CORN

(OK so that one wasn't so weird)

TAKO

(Japanese for Octopus)

SUPREME

(might as well have named it the Kitchen Sink)

I only had two slices one of the roasted chicken and it was good and the Seafood which was surprisingly REALLY good... i wanted to try the tako but it woulda put me over the edge of full... and it was already gone when i had went back to get it.

well i wanted to give you something to tie you over till i can get my words straight...

have a great morning/afternoon/night whenever you might be reading this... ♥

YO KANSAS!!!!

BIG UPS TO KANSAS! THANKS FOR READING =)

YOU'RE AWESOME

P.S. Part II is on the way... just trying to find my words 

hey hi hello, how ya doin?! (Part I)

as promised… a post! Woot woot!

letsee there's actually a bunch of stuff I need to catch y'all up on.  I know it seems mildly stupid but there will be 2 posts… this one kinda what I’ve been doing… and the other kinda how I’ve been feeling… (and if you wanna get real specific… then I guess you can count the Birthday shout to my sister as a 3^rd….)- I think it might be easier to read if I split it up that way.

first
my friend Mabel (we were floor-mates at UCSC back in '04) is studying abroad in Hong Kong. well in all the places she could have went to, or really the only place she hasnt visited yet hahah that ladys git hella stamps in her passport now! well i digress she decided that one of them would be Taiwan. I was so excited to have her come here. 

the closer the date came the more I worried i became about what we would do. It kinda got off to a rocky start since I was late picking her up from the airport due to the typhoon and the heavy traffic… THEN oh my goshness… my housemate AND her mom tried to kick her out… I was SO embarrassed since I told them a month prior Mabes was coming…

When we were sitting at the table eating or something my housemate says “Oh it’s so late… you go home.” palm/forehead… ugh seriously… I’m almost sure I blushed…

Then laters I was about to hop in the shower when I hear her Mom say “Go home” I was like WHAT?!?! Ughhhhhh palm/forehead and I can hear poor Mabel trying to make her understand that she’s studying in HK and is here visiting so she couldn’t possibly go home. I had to stick my head out of the door and shoo her away.

SOOOOOOOO EMBARASSED and kinda really upset… like seriously? Who the hell tries to kick someone else’s guest out?!?!?!

Moving on… since Taiwan isn't the biggest tourist destination in the world there aren't a lot of tourist attractions to go to. The only real interesting thing to do here is EAT and that my friends is EXACTLY what we did hahahhahahah x a million. 

I mean did other things (sorta) we took the gondola ride all the way up to Maokong

and I took her to Danshui (to eat 小吃)

and to ximending (to eat TW oyster noodles)

and to Costco (to eat the Peking Duck pizza)

and we went to Daiso to get some 39NT noodles and wound up buying hella shiz hahah

and for the last hoo-rah we went the top of Taipei 101 to the observatory deck

and during the in between  time we went on a mad hunt to find a 'I ♥ TW' t-shirt. but they weren't like the regular ones sooooooo we had to give up =\ eh it happens. but if I find one I'll send it to her. 

well that was Mabes weekend trip in a nutshell (Oct.21-25)

Second

Halloween Weekend

I was pretty much anti-Halloween as you can get. It’s just not a big thing here and of course there are parties around Taipei for the foreigners who want to celebrate but I opted out. I went to spend the weekend with my uncle in Taoyuan instead… and it was probably what I needed, a break from Taipei and a chill relaxing weekend with family. We pretty much just ate the entire time and on Sunday my uncle taught me how to type in Chinese… so YAY maybe you’ll start to see it pop up here and there from now on… but no need to hit the SAP button folks… anything I type in Chinese will be translated for your convenience ;)

Third

School…. Ahhh school… school eh it’s going ok… when we first started our class was moving SO fast and was ahead of almost every other class… and now? Our pace has slipped… I think it’s just not clicking for some of my classmates… and its extra extra difficult because everyone in class still prefers to speak in English so our class may be getting the writing and grammar down but is having a real tough time speaking…

As for me… the last 2 test I’ve gotten 88’s and it makes me hella mad thinking about it… (well I just took another test today so we’ll see how I do on this one)

I know I effed up the last one because my brain wouldn’t let go of my English grammar… which is kinda surprising since I think my grammar is incorrect 80% of the time…

I mean for goodness sake when I took the placement exam for UCSC’s writing class… they told me that English was my second language because of my poor grammar….. hahhahahhahaha

So I thinks that’s it for the doing part…

Hmmm sudden craving for sugar cane juice… yummo… might have to make a trip to the night market soon ;)

.....

HAPPY BIRTHDAY RITA!!!

( your present is in the mail... had to go get the other part of it yesterday)

I know, I KNOW... I PiNKY PROMiSE a post will come later today... gotta go take a test in class... then I'll staple myself to my chair till I've posted... swear... truestory!

as of lately... 10.16

acccck... ok before I get berated by everyone for not posting for a while... all I can say is that there really is nothing to update yall on... forreal and not for fake...

It seems that my life here isn't all that different from my life at home...

but instead of work... hanging out... sleep

its now... school... study... sleep (with an occasional going out sprinkled in)

seriously... that's all...

To be honest folks its hard to do anything else when you're not working... My parents always taught me to be self sufficient... so after college I didn't think I'd have to rely on them financially anymore... and I really really don't like it...

My mom is so gracious to be supporting me (in more ways than just financially) that I can't in good conscious spend money on frivolous things... I know that in the near future... I wont have to and I'll get a job but for now thaswassup.

But since I don't really have anything to talk about I'll tell you what I would like to do when I'm finally making my own money...

I'd like to take the gondola ride up to see Taipei from hahaha I don't even know what the mountains name is.

I eventually want to make my way south to see Tainan

Make my way out to the Penghu islands in the Taiwan Strait

Drive up and down the coasts on a scooter... (or motorcylce).

and of course once the year is up depending on the cash flow... I would love to visit home (here's the kicker people... even if the year is up and I'm allowed to leave the country I don't know if I should come home quite yet... I don't really want to interrupt the language learning process and I'm afraid if I come home my Chinese might regress...idk that's just my thinking)

But I wouldn't mind traveling to mainland (I don't actually have an interest in Mainland but since its riiiiiight there I might as well take advantage right?)

so for Mainland [China] there's Hong Kong, Beijing, and the Great Wall is definitely on the list.

then I would like to go to Japan, Korean, Mongolia, Thailand, Cambodia, Vietnam, Nepal

then south maybe??? Australia... New Zealand...


believe me folks when I say... when I get to the point where I can travel... I will be eating my way through ALL these countries... yummmo






ahhhhhhhhhhhhahahahah wow this is really going to become a habit.... almost forgot about my test on Monday... and again... using blogging as a way to avoid studying... shame on me... but I actually really need to study this time... I got an 88 on my last test... completely ruined my day... GRRRRRRRR.... not this time... lesson 5 will not get me! (I hope)

anyway...加油!!!

As of lately...10.9

加油

Literal translation: add oil.

Meaning: fighting! keep going! charge!

PinYin: jia you!

REAL pronunciation: jyah yo!

Weird? Yes.

So it's my full intention to keep 加油ing, hahahah 

I've decided to stick with school for at least a year.

I am also giving serious thought to the idea of doing my masters here. The way I see it... I'm going to have to be here for my citizenship anyway, education here is really REALLY affordable, and hopefully having my masters will (crossing my fingers here) will give me a leg up for when I go back to the states (and add the fact that I will be speaking Chinese, again, hopefully). ~ The only things is that I don't know what I would like to study. But I am at least thinking about it. ;)

My family is STiLL amazing... they took me out for a steak dinner the other night... AHmazing hahaha although by the time I finished I was in a full on food coma. I was still tired the next day... it was greeeat. =D 

So at dinner my cousin asked me about the room mate situation and I tried to explain that I might be moving when the rental contract it up even though I really like the house and neighborhood and whatnot. I tried to explain that I am just her tenant and she's not my mom... I mean even my Mom trusts me more than to require me to tell her my whereabouts n what not. 

But any who what made me so very happy is that Soo Ching immediately went into Big Brother mode and was like "WHY? Where are you goin? What are you doin? Who are you with? Do you come home late? Don't make me worry." ahhhh so cute... Then he asked me a question that made me want to cry. He asked me how I was and if I was happy here... and it all just made me really happy.

I haven't been up to Badu to see Ama since the Moon festival so I think I should check when the next time the twins are heading up so I can have some company.

Hopefully I'll be able to see the girls in Badu too. 

I sincerely think the day I can have a whole conversion [with them] in Chinese I will be so happy I'll probably cry. 

Hmmm if you've been to the FB page you should see that I have been going out with my classmates... they're all pretty cool.

There are 5 Japanese girls, 2 from Palau, 1 from Russia, theres me of course and our one and ONLY guy is from Guatamala.

It's a pretty fun class... we laugh all the time... we all work really hard... and the class is moving at an incredible pace. 

Class is going to end at the end of November.  Two weeks prior we have our Proficiency Exams so we'll see how I do. 

I finally got 100 on my Lesson 3 test... but a couple other people got 100's so mines didn't feel so special... hahahha

And the big news for next quarter is that I'm actually going to try and test my way into the intensive course. 

OH before I forget... tomorrow is 10/10 Taiwan's Independence day... we're in our 99th year or something like that.... so next years celebration is going to be the biznisssssssss woot woot CENTENIAL. ch ch che chyeah buddy. 

I'm actually blogging right now cuz I'm putting off studying for my Lesson 4 test. So I should get back to it I guess... le sigh. But next time I'll have to tell you about the club scene here... kinda crazy... like I've lived in Santa Cruz and it's a party school and I've been to bars and clubs but here... its something else entirely.

ily ♥

YIPPY SKIPPY YALLLLL!

I just got an email today from my mommy!

don't judge me... I still call my mom mommy and my dad daddy.... I'm a big kid... what can i say...




ANYWHOOOOO... the email was her ITINERARY to come out here in November... woot woot... throw your hands up , shake your bootay, put a ring on it.... =)

A little more than personal...

[[Okie doke folks... so this post is neither GoneandSaidit nor any sort of challenge... the reason for the post is in the 3rd paragraph... so if you're here for GoneandSaidit biz you wont find it in this post... I have started another blog... totally unrelated to TW life...  and that's where I'll be posting personal/random stuff in the future...if you're interested you can find me at theExtra.tumblr.com]]

One could hurt themselves thinking about what might have been, what could have been, and what would have been…

When the plain ol' truth is that it is what it is.

When I do allow my mind to wander off it always seems to end up in the same place with the same thought… what if my brother hadn’t had died? How different my life would be…

Today my brother would have turned 40 years old. In 10 days it will mark the 11^th anniversary of his death.

(For those of you who are familiar with this story… there is no need to rehash these feelings so I will not take offense if you don’t read this post… but I will also not know if you don’t… so do as you will)

To set the record straight, he was my half brother; we have the same dad but he was my brother nevertheless…

Back to the story at hand… Daniel died right after he turned 29… I was 13…

What a shitty age to have something this epic happen to you…I was in 8^th grade, being all prepubescent and shit… I was already angry with the world, my parents, my teachers, the man (Did I know who the man was at the time? No, but you can bet your clean underwear that I was mad at him too).

And then he died. Out of nowhere… it brought my world crashing down around me… and when the dust settled I stepped out into the harsh reality that everything else in the world moved on without me. I really just wanted to shout and kick and scream at the sky, “Don’t you know?! Don’t you know how hurt I am? What I just lost?” I wanted to the world to stop for me to get my shit together… but life just doesn’t give you what you want especially if you’re throwing a temper tantrum.

You hear of those moments of clarity or epiphanies or whatever you call em…

The moment we walked into the funeral parlor, my sister and I on each side of my dad that was my moment. At the first sight of seeing my brother laying there in the coffin, at that moment my father grabbed my shoulder, leaning into me for support and cried unashamedly. I knew however great my grief, however tough the months ahead were going to be I knew that the love I had for my dad was greater than all of that. I knew inside, past the tears, under the hurt and through the confusion that I would eventually be okay. I knew in the end I’d be okay… it was just a matter of getting through it.

[You can maybe start to see why I’m so attached to my dad. It’s not because I’m a Daddy’s girl… okay, OKAY, I should say it’s not just because I’m a Daddy’s girl… which btw I fully admit to being. I am my father’s daughter… I am my dad. We get along (well not all the time) because we are so similar. ]

I went through that whatchamacallit… the 5 stages of grief… I don’t really know if there is an order to them but I do know I was stuck in anger for a really really long time.

A year later Rita left for school and the house became quiet (give or take the occasional screaming at the parentals more so because of my age than because of the situation we were in). My mom had to watch us moving forward but not moving on… my poor mother could only empathize… she did not or rather could not feel the same way… and I have NEVER placed any blame on her for that… it was not her child… it was not her brother… but I feel sad that she had to watch the people that she loves be in so much pain… and there was very little she could do but watch

My father and I deal with things in the same way… quietly, internally and in our own time….

None of my friends had ever experienced loss of that kind and they did not understand… it felt as if no one did… At the time I felt that they had abandoned me but looking back  now I know they were not the ones who left.

I was no longer able to be the way they were… happy, carefree, and blissfully ignorant ... I was completely miserable and fully exposed to how unkind life could be. Ya know it’s not always true that misery loves company… If you have ever wondered how my tongue got so sharp it’s because it was my weapon of choice to keep people away. So I retreated into myself, closing myself up like a clam, allowng the anger to swallow me whole and I dug myself a nice comfy hole in the ground where I could hide out for a while…

There wasn’t an exact moment when I broke through or woke up (whatever you wanna call it) from this mess… but it was more like finding one rung after the other on the ladder outta that big fatty hole I dug myself into.

There are more words left to say (as always)… but my eyes hurt from crying… I’ve noticed that as much as I hate it… I really do cry in front of people a lot… at least this time it was my computer… I know you will take what you want from this… so I gave you all I could (for now). And in the future... personal ish like this will probably go on the tumblr account... common folks.. dont be lazy... you know you wanna know. ;) as always, thanks. thanks for reading. thanks for taking the time. ♥