Letsee on a more serious note (Part II)

Identity Crisis- losing my voice, becoming Taiwanese and trying to hold onto myself… and a couple other things

Word

When I spent the weekend at my uncles and while my mom was visiting I realized how very little Chinese I actually speak. I’m definitely not where I thought I’d be or where I should be. (ok ok, I know I’ve only been studying for 3 months but why wouldn’t I have high expectations for myself… I mean I have them for everyone else… so why not me?) Other Level 1 classes at MTC are already speaking in Chinese… most of my classmates still speak mostly English in class… but my inability to speak is not their fault.

What it is… at least what I think... I’m trying to hold onto my voice. The difference in my voice when I speak Chinese is dramatically different from my normal loud voice. I don’t like it at all… I feel like I’m not me. I feel like it's not me. 


It’s like this yall, when I “think” in Chinese it’s a unfamiliar voice thinking inside my head and when I speak it’s an unfamiliar sound coming out of my mouth. Frankly, it’s quite disturbing.

My tones have to be controlled and the length of each word has to be controlled… (Makes me think of Mel… how she would start singing whatever it was she was saying… yeah… there’s none of that because of the tone issue… I think it’d drive her nuts) If you’ve ever had a conversation with me then you know I like to play around with my words, make words up, say things with the wrong emphasis…. Yeah… you seriously can’t do that here… lemme tell YOU…

If you say it wrong… instead of saying fried chicken… you could just end up saying vagina… no effin joke.

Ji pai (1^st tone, 3^rd tone) is fried chicken, Ji pai (1^st tone, 1^st tone) is vagina…real talk

As for me not speaking as much Chinese as I want to be… I think it really has a lot to do with my thinking I don’t sound like “myself”… it’s not that I’m one of those people who loves the sound of my own voice… but when you start to sound unlike yourself you really notice how much you really do like the actual sound of your voice... the way you speak, the cadence and on n on n on...

Becoming Taiwanese and then not,

Like I said in the last post… I’m definitely picking up some of the mannerisms and I mean I kinda was on my way to bowing at everything back at Sushi House… blame the Koreans man…

And I’m not trying to sound racist but I know that’s how it’ll come out but there are certain things I cannot get over… and simply refuse to do or think its appropriate/acceptable

Picking your nose in public (then usually turning right around to use the same finger to pick your teeth… what the yuck!)

Digging in your ear

Chewing with your mouth open

(the burping and farting I can deal with)

DRAGGING YOUR FEET… goshness that one REALLLLLY gets me

Bumping into people without saying excuse me

Staring

Not using deodorant

I know these are cultural differences and I guess that pretty much makes my distaste for these habits racist… but I can’t help it… and I do feel bad at the same time. Cause I completely understand that to them (and I hope no one gets offended that I say them cuz I really don’t mean it like that) its normal and they think nothing of it and so they don’t notice…

Which makes me wonder if they would notice if let’s say they were in the States visiting or whatever.

Does that make me somewhat of an elitist? I just don’t know. To me its just lack of good manners… ohhh that sounded really harsh ugghhh I hate myself right now. (feelin conflicted… can you tell?)

im just wondering… and feeling about crappy about wondering and borderline hating these ‘habits.’

朋 友 (Friends)

I'm still having issues with making friends here.  We’re already coming to the end of our first quarter and most of the people I hang out with will be gone in 6 months.

it makes me sad. seriously. the problem is that my social world is my school so that means that EVERYone there will eventually leave. idk I'm being stooopid

I’ve never failed at making friends ever… but I’ve never not made friends and I think its slightly killing me.

I think I fooled myself into believing that coming here would solve all my problems. 


Maybe problems isn't the right word... i think what I expected was for all the answers to just come to me once I stepped off that plane...  answers to what questions you might ask? Well I think the only one that’s mattered to me… and I think to everyone really…

what should I do with my life???...

I know my cousin Cyndy has reminded me that I don't have to figure it out right now. but I see my mom who realized pretty late in life what she wanted to do so she won't retire for a while and how is anyone suppose to enjoy their retirement if your all old n rickety?!?!

I think I'll hold out and just win the lottery...

and the other thing... (and possibly the most funny and most depressing…)

being single in Taiwanderland

oh boy... like being fat was my only issue when it comes to attracting guys…
and before I get a smart ass remark about being fat... compared to everyone here I might as well be the Michelin Mans twin sister.... just call me Mihcelina




and this is even after losing 10 or so lbs hrmmph
theres also the fact that TW boys just seemed scared to approach girls….once they've got a girl... its like they turn to mush... PDA overload... realtalk

anyone who said I came here to find the love of my life is dead wrong hahaha

everytime I think about being single here it makes me think of my cousin Cristina, who predicted I'd find the love of my life, get married and never come home...I just might have to disappoint her. 

personally I've never been really attracted to Asian guys. and when I say Asian I mean like Asian Asian (we all know Asian folks back home be kinda hood so they dont reaallllly count hahahahahah) please don't be offended... I've never told you who you should like...

and after being here for a while I cant even imagine myself with a TW boy. (SO THIS DOESN’T APPLY TO EVERY GUY… I KNOW THAT…) I know it sounds kinda harsh and ummmmm so is this.... a lot of them look like girls with the dyed permed hair, skinny jeans n colored contacts… not to mention that most of them are SO skinny one of their thighs is probably the size of my neck! It’s seriously giving me a complex, seriously. Even my teacher said to stay away from them 他 說 (she said/ she told) straight up a good 80% of them cheat and that's my biggest no-no. 

well what about the other foreigners n expats??? well it's seems that they are all looking for a nice quiet TW girl to be with... and before I get a smart ass remark about how I'm Taiwanese you know wtf I mean. A TW girl that's petite (which I'm not), quiet (HA you MUST be jokin right?!), passive (foo say what?!), and mostly they all seem to want a girl who'll make them their world (um, yeah, no thanks, no offense but I'm the star of this show my life).

I mean as much as I'm learning how Taiwanese folks are and I do find myself acquiring the mannerisms n whatnot here's the thing; I can’t change the way I look... not that I'd want to look like every other girl here... and despite my body issues I admittedly like the way I look… so to put it plainly I'm just not ever going to be that Taiwanese sorry. 

I guess my issue is that I’m more Taiwanese than I seem but just not Taiwanese enough…

I see the guys n girls at my school and a good chunk of them are only lookin to hook up with someone for the year or two (or just for a night) while they're here and then cut out. How am I supposed to work with that?!?!  


I'm a keeper NOT your Saturday night.  

I so I'll just do what I always do and wait till someone comes along... sad and pathetic I know. no need to tell me…