[[Okie doke folks... so this post is neither GoneandSaidit nor any sort of challenge... the reason for the post is in the 3rd paragraph... so if you're here for GoneandSaidit biz you wont find it in this post... I have started another blog... totally unrelated to TW life... and that's where I'll be posting personal/random stuff in the future...if you're interested you can find me at theExtra.tumblr.com]]
One could hurt themselves thinking about what might have been, what could have been, and what would have been…
When the plain ol' truth is that it is what it is.
When I do allow my mind to wander off it always seems to end up in the same place with the same thought… what if my brother hadn’t had died? How different my life would be…
Today my brother would have turned 40 years old. In 10 days it will mark the 11th anniversary of his death.
(For those of you who are familiar with this story… there is no need to rehash these feelings so I will not take offense if you don’t read this post… but I will also not know if you don’t… so do as you will)
To set the record straight, he was my half brother; we have the same dad but he was my brother nevertheless…
Back to the story at hand… Daniel died right after he turned 29… I was 13…
What a shitty age to have something this epic happen to you…I was in 8th grade, being all prepubescent and shit… I was already angry with the world, my parents, my teachers, the man (Did I know who the man was at the time? No, but you can bet your clean underwear that I was mad at him too).
And then he died. Out of nowhere… it brought my world crashing down around me… and when the dust settled I stepped out into the harsh reality that everything else in the world moved on without me. I really just wanted to shout and kick and scream at the sky, “Don’t you know?! Don’t you know how hurt I am? What I just lost?” I wanted to the world to stop for me to get my shit together… but life just doesn’t give you what you want especially if you’re throwing a temper tantrum.
You hear of those moments of clarity or epiphanies or whatever you call em…
The moment we walked into the funeral parlor, my sister and I on each side of my dad that was my moment. At the first sight of seeing my brother laying there in the coffin, at that moment my father grabbed my shoulder, leaning into me for support and cried unashamedly. I knew however great my grief, however tough the months ahead were going to be I knew that the love I had for my dad was greater than all of that. I knew inside, past the tears, under the hurt and through the confusion that I would eventually be okay. I knew in the end I’d be okay… it was just a matter of getting through it.
[You can maybe start to see why I’m so attached to my dad. It’s not because I’m a Daddy’s girl… okay, OKAY, I should say it’s not just because I’m a Daddy’s girl… which btw I fully admit to being. I am my father’s daughter… I am my dad. We get along (well not all the time) because we are so similar. ]
I went through that whatchamacallit… the 5 stages of grief… I don’t really know if there is an order to them but I do know I was stuck in anger for a really really long time.
A year later Rita left for school and the house became quiet (give or take the occasional screaming at the parentals more so because of my age than because of the situation we were in). My mom had to watch us moving forward but not moving on… my poor mother could only empathize… she did not or rather could not feel the same way… and I have NEVER placed any blame on her for that… it was not her child… it was not her brother… but I feel sad that she had to watch the people that she loves be in so much pain… and there was very little she could do but watch
My father and I deal with things in the same way… quietly, internally and in our own time….
None of my friends had ever experienced loss of that kind and they did not understand… it felt as if no one did… At the time I felt that they had abandoned me but looking back now I know they were not the ones who left.
I was no longer able to be the way they were… happy, carefree, and blissfully ignorant ... I was completely miserable and fully exposed to how unkind life could be. Ya know it’s not always true that misery loves company… If you have ever wondered how my tongue got so sharp it’s because it was my weapon of choice to keep people away. So I retreated into myself, closing myself up like a clam, allowng the anger to swallow me whole and I dug myself a nice comfy hole in the ground where I could hide out for a while…
There wasn’t an exact moment when I broke through or woke up (whatever you wanna call it) from this mess… but it was more like finding one rung after the other on the ladder outta that big fatty hole I dug myself into.
There are more words left to say (as always)… but my eyes hurt from crying… I’ve noticed that as much as I hate it… I really do cry in front of people a lot… at least this time it was my computer… I know you will take what you want from this… so I gave you all I could (for now). And in the future... personal ish like this will probably go on the tumblr account... common folks.. dont be lazy... you know you wanna know. ;) as always, thanks. thanks for reading. thanks for taking the time. ♥
Don't make me have to go to another link to read your post!! =P j/k haha I still remember that year in the 8th grade. I didn't really understand what was going on until I heard the bits and pieces. I didn't know how to try and comfort you either since I'd never lost a love one before. I just remember seeing the devastation in your eyes whenever I saw you at school. And I know it's not the same, but I felt the same way when Malique was deployed. I felt no one understood what I was going through, so I stayed home mostly and didn't contact anyone at all. I didn't want to hang out or talk to anyone... and when I did talk, it was just regular chit chat and nothing too serious. And Alicia... it's ok to cry... I always find it helps me feel a little better at the worst of times. Love you!! And Sushi House is not the same without you. =( They don't seat me where I want!
ReplyDeleteI feel your pain. I hope time will help you with healing your sorrow and pain.
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