a lil bit of this... a lil bit of that

I don't really know where to start with this one. I guess I've got a lot on my mind and don't know if that translates exactly into having a lot to say. If that makes ANY sense at all...

Actually… we all know by now that’s not true hahahahahahah lets just see how long this post becomes… Ima let my fingers do the talkin... and before you know it… I’ll probably be lookin like Beethoven on this keyboard  ;)

here we gooooooooooooooooooooooo

School

I can understand most of what's said to me in Chinese and when I open up my mouth it all comes out so butchered that I want to cry out of sheer frustration.

This morning I think I tried to order DOG instead of turnip cake forehead/palm

I wish someone can just switch a flip and I'd speak the words that I can hear so clearly in my head. Folks the mind is an amazing thing, everything is rolling around in there and it just gets all lost and jumbled somewhere in the back of my mouth just before I utterly destroy it once it passes my lips.

I want to cry. I have. I still want to. 

I don't know how to do this.

I'm just so ugghhhhh frustrated and I know I'm starting to sound like a broken record... by now if you’ve read my posts on learning Chinese with this quarters teacher then you know I’m not the happiest student right now… I just want to learn but it’s so unbearable in this class it’d be a miracle if I can make it to the end of the quarter… let alone pass the achievement test that’s coming up in less than a week.  =(

What if I don’t pass the test? I will have to go back and repeat the quarter… which again I have mixed feelings about. I’m sure it would help a lot but not knowing the materiel isn’t the problem… I understand everything my teacher says to me and I understand when people are talking to me in Chinese… I just can’t respond… and really… what’s the point if I can’t talk??? What kind of Alicia would that be if I’m mute??? So to repeat or not to repeat? forehead/palm

which brings me to my next topic...

what if I came home?  Big topic change huh? Yeah, I know…

Home

So if you've read the entries from the last couple of months you'd know that I haven't been the happiest me I could be (rhyme not intended). 

And wow boy am I hella starting to hate myself… not just for how whiney and complainy I’ve become… but well… you’ll see… I just feel like shiz

I was reading over my 30 day challenge and was amazed at how far I've fallen… needless to say without very much grace.  

There was so much excitement and hope I just don't know where the hell it all went. Is being homesick having THAT much of an impact on my spirit. I think the answer is obvious... it seems to suck the life right outta me. Does that mean I've snapped out of it?!?! Yeah, not really.

Each time I talk to my parents it’s become harder and harder to do. Not for lack of things to say but my lack of strength to keep myself from crying.

I’m so incredibly lonely here. It’s almost palpable. Seems that lonely is probably the only friend I have here.

I could barely make it past the holidays, now I’m up against a growing number of reasons to go home. They just keep piling up. I almost feel like I might soon be caught underneath an avalanche. Any other person, I'm sure, would just go home, I have nothing to prove so why am I staying?

Forcing myself to stay is not really conducive to my happiness…

  
Here’s the thing weird though,  I really can't see myself leaving this place without something to show for it (i.e. TW citizenship or learning the language) I just have a feeling that if I don't get one of these 2 things then I know I will feel like 
1) it's been a waste of time (which btw I feel like shit, a complete and total piece of worthless shit for saying so because spending ANY amount of time with my family here has made this move worth it…. Ugh can you see the frustration here?)
2) if I leave I'm afraid I'll regret it and I think it's this fear that keeps me here. If I didn't think I would regret it I probably would have gone home by now. 

Actually in reality there is only one reason to go home...family.
(If you’re one of my friends and you goin "Eyy?!?! what about ME?!?!" then this is the part I send you a virtual smack to the forehead because DUH you are also my family) 

I thought it was perfect timing after Dad's successful surgery and the doctor said that he's in remission but I’m just now finding out that my dad’s not bothering to see his doctors. I know him and I can understand why he’d be afraid of going to the doctors. He doesn’t want them to give him anymore bad news… but I won’t accept the fact that he’s refusing to see his doctors. It makes my heart ache with worry and yet makes me want to kick his ass till kingdom come. I don't want to have to worry about him but how can I not when he won't take care of himself?!?! 

Sometimes I just feel like maybe the place I should be is home, taking care of my parents so they can be as healthy as possible so that I can spend as much time with them as possible. Time’s running out on us all how can I not take advantage of it? 

I know people look at me and say I'm a daddy's girl, my mom likes to take care of me, I'm afraid to leave the shelter of home, blah blah blah yadda yadda yadda. To those people what I say is this; IT IS a CHOICE one that I’m very aware I’ve made too. I've always chosen my family, to be with them, to take care of my parents because they've taken care of me, they need me and I need them.

Everything is simply a choice and the choice is simple. 

I love my family here but maybe I was stupid to think that planting myself here would ever establish roots comparable to those back home. It's really no one’s fault. It is what it is. I’m definitely not saying that my family here doesn’t love me… well actually I don’t know if they love me, ya know how Asian folks be with their emotions n shiizzzzzzzzzzzzz, lemme just say I’m pretty sure they like me. I know they worry about me so I at least know they care. That’s good enough for me.

I want to be with the people who mean the most to me for as much time that I'm allotted but ::sigh:: the people here have come to mean a lot to me too… but compared to home… I’m just happier in California.

So as of recently I’ve been pretty much hating myself for thinking I should leave. because I really don't know what to do. You’d think after what I just wrote I’d be lookin at flights coming home but I'm not and I don’t know why...

Depths of my soul… probably measures about an inch… I’m just not that deep

I've been told by several people now… that I'm here [in Taiwan] to do some soul searching, to find out who I am, to discover myself…
is that true? did I give off that vibe? really, I'm wondering did I ever seem like a person who's lost and unsure of who she is?

Here's the truth. I know who I am. Well let me correct myself, I know who I'm not and in my book it's pretty much the same if not better.

Why is that?! Two reasons;

 1) people have this nasty habit of changing all the got damn time... so it's harder to pin down and

2) because I know the things I'm not are not likely to change. 

besides why can't I function on my own definition?!

I did not come Taiwan to search my soul, define myself, or settle down. 

I'm here to learn and grow and if you’re asking what's the difference? The difference is between changing and enrichment. 我知道(I know) that nothing stays the same forever but I don't think it'll change me into an unrecognizable version of Alicia. Ya know? I’m not gonna come home to people saying… “Who’s that chick?” The time for being shaped has already passed. hmmm so I guess I should say thanks to every person that has come into (and out of) my life. 

Lemme put it this way. If I was a house then I’d obviously have everything already riiiiiight?! A kitchen, living room, bathroom, bedrooms, dining room blah blah blah
Then me coming to Taiwan would be the equivalent to an addition to my houseness an unnecessary breakfast nook, or adding a study I'd never study in, or a home gym complete with a swim gym and the new and improved compact bowflex system. hahah 

The main reason I'm here is to get to know my family. 
Even though my mom’s immediate family are now all in California. I still feel that the relations that she's kept here must be important so ergo they should be important to me too. (two points for finally using the word ergo! woot woot) and how can I really tell people that I'm Taiwanese when I've never spent any time here or gotten to know my family?! It’s like claiming any part of my dad’s European ancestry. It'd be stupid. I'd look stupid.

Learning Chinese and getting my citizenship are secondary to that. I hope that while I'm here I can also figure stuff out like what I want to do with my life... but once I do that, it doesn't mean I'll let it define me either, like my dad I just want to be happy doin what im doin. Choosin what to do with my life is important but it's like any other epithet I have

daughter
sister 
woman
dancer
artist
student
wanderer 
etc
etc
etc


it does not define me...

I didn’t have to come here to already know what I loved the most outside of my family and friends

4 things really: music, dance, food, and chocolate but heres the thing about turning any of those into a career…

music- I can't sing and don't know how to play an instrument – cross off singer slash band member

dance- kinda old to be getting I to dance and I've got a bad back bad back not to mention having absolutely no sense of balance- cross off dancer

food- can't cook but I do love to eat then again I’m not that hard to please- cross food critic and chef off the list

chocolate- only know how to eat it so you can definitely cross off chocolatier off the list.

Well that took forever and a day to write… sorry the wait was so long on this post guys… I really have been struggling with these feelings. I seriously don’t know what to do.

I know after reading this yall are gonna need a break from the computer hahaha so go eat something then tell me all about it and make me mad jealous cuz I’ve been totally missing food from home… I think that’s a suitable punishment for me seeing as how I up and left yall without any blog entries for a hot minute.

Love you all. 艾俐 aka Alicia in Taiwanderland…